How what you finish relates to your self-worth

Your daily list of completed tasks doesn't relate to just your self-worth. What you complete day to day relates to your self-image, self-esteem, self-trust and well-being.

Your completed list makes up the story you tell yourself about yourself and if you believe it. It also relates to how much, why, and when you seek external validation.

External validation is a way of getting people to tell you "yes, you are a good person", or "yes, you made the right choice", or "yes, I like you" and even "yes, you can have my time in exchange for what you did for me."

Although it is not said explicitly, people's words or actions imply it.

External validation is when you do something for someone else in a currency that includes anything from time and money to effort and even services.

Why does this matter?

When we seek external validation, it means we find it difficult to summon positive feelings or stories within ourselves, ourselves. Our decision-making may feel untrustworthy. We may find it difficult to decide what we like or want - in big or small things - we may likely be people pleasers, empaths, and fixers.

Ultimately, this state is often referred to as low self-esteem or low self-worth.

what does self-esteem or self-worth mean?

It is how much value you place on yourself.

Read that again.

Self-worth does not involve other people. Self-worth is not what other people think of you. Self-worth is in your hands, not someone else's. When self-worth is low, we hand it ourselves over to other people to judge and define our self-worth. Giving away the most valuable job that is designed for you. This means you have the potential power to manipulate the outcome of your self-worth because you are in charge of it.

So, how does what you finish relate to your self-worth?

We know in psychology that unfinished tasks haunt us through rumination. Unfinished tasks burden our cognitive function, and sleep, and can even negatively affect memory.

Let me paint you a picture - story time!

You meet a great new person, they're funny, happy, easy to speak to about various subjects you're interested in and you feel at ease in their company.

During the first meeting, you have a great chat. This person who could potentially become a new friend says "hey, I'll ring you a glass of water". You think to yourself, "but I don't really want it or need it" perhaps you just had some water and you relay this to the person. They respond with "I'll grab you one, anyway". You don't protest, water isn't bad, and a little extra won't hurt - but in reality, you don't need it nor want it. The person comes back, but without the water. Neither of you says anything about the water because it's not a big deal, to begin with. Your time together ends and you part ways, feeling positively charged.

Sometime later you decide to meet up again, you have another great chat and the person getting up to go to the bathroom, says "I'll grab you a glass of water on my way back, I'm going to get one too" you don't have time to protest but it's a similar situation as before - you don't really need water, you might even have water on the table. The person comes back empty-handed. Neither of you mentions the water. You enjoy each other's company and part ways.

For the third time, you meet , and for the third time the person says to you "I'll grab you a glass of water". This time you get really insistent because they haven't fulfilled their promise of the unneeded water anyway and say 'hey, look, thanks, for offering, but it's okay, I am really not thirsty, in fact, I have just had a glass to drink". You've just set the person free from trying to please you aimlessly. You had a good chat and parted ways.

Now you won't necessarily think bad of them for not bringing you water, something that you didn't need anyway, nor will you think they're a bad person. You might think they're a little forgetful, perhaps. However, should something important come up that you might need help with, you might be unlikely to turn to a person you barely know or who might not be very reliable.

They have given you solid evidence that they aren't the most reliable person to fulfil even simple tasks, so why would we expect them to show up for more serious or important matters?

Think about that for a while

It matters because we do this to ourselves more often than we might like to admit.

It might look something like this ...

Tomorrow you have a day off, perhaps a bank holiday or annual leave, and you think "gosh, I will have so much time on my hands!" yeah, an additional 24 hours. This might lead to listing a whole array of tasks that might be good to do, including but not limited to:

Changing burnt-out lightbulbs from the last year

Perhaps a DIY project

Wardrobe tidying

Reading

That hobby you haven't gotten around to but would love to

Calling to catch up with loved ones

Going to the gym

The list goes on and it appears quite innocent.

Innocent because they're generally good things to do but not at the top of your necessity list - you'll do those things likely closer to the deadline (if there is one) rather than when you have time, or simply never.

The next day rolls around and life happens, family, responsibilities, even emergencies - that well-intended list gets filed away into our memory and subconscious - they all still need to be done at some point - and you don't judge yourself - more important things come up - that well-intentioned list represents that unneeded glass of water.

We have a tendency to promise ourselves too much. Stacked-up unfulfilled promises, no matter how innocent or insignificant they may seem to be, lead your subconscious and brain to deem you as an unreliable source of productivity. Not evil, bad or unworthy - unreliable. You can still live with yourself, but with an additional feeling of disdain for yourself.

Only you know your core and have the deepest insight into what you have and haven't finished, or completed, or the endless lists of things you've promised yourself. No one else has privy to that information.

So when something important or harder comes up to do or completes, your brain goes "Nah, why bother, you'll only do half of it anyway" so you put in some effort but certainly not all of it - because you now believe you are;t capable of it anyway. You write yourself off before you've started. You end up using more of willpower to get yourself to do the task - it becomes tormenting. Procrastination comes into play here, we then overthink the doing and fail to move at all.

We know in psychology that willpower is limited and the more force needed to use it, the harder it resists.

Understand that you can only do up to 3 to 4 things really well and of quality per day. That doesn't include all of your automatic habits and tasks like grooming and eating. Although bear in mind someone suffering from a clinical condition, grooming might be a difficult task to repeat, hence it becomes one of those key things they complete.

How to trust your capabilities

Write down what you finish or complete. Not what you are working on, started or anything to do with a to-do list. It is far more satisfying watching a list of completed tasks mounting than an endless list of things yet to be addressed in a limited time. It is a way to get a reward that satisfies and reinforces that you are capable of completing tasks,

So, how do you fill your day?

What are you finishing?

Do the tasks take up your mental capacity or are they automated?